Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

I have the great privilege of facilitating the Summer EQ MBA class at Seattle University this month.  It is something I did a lot of in years past, but this was my first class after having Anora.  The role I have is similar to an adjunct professor, but the official title is “Courtesy Affiliate” because I’m not getting paid.  It’s a service I provide because I really believe in the class and the skills it offers.  It also gives me a great opportunity to work on my leadership skills and stay connected to the university.  I really value this opportunity and love getting to hone my skills as a facilitator and work with the students. 

Ben and I took this class in Italy way back in 2011.  I am so glad we took it together.  It has given us tools we consistently use as a couple navigating conflict and supporting each other.  Additionally, he understands why this work is so important to me. 

SO what is it?!

EQ encompasses many skills.  It is categorized into four main quadrants: Self-awareness, Social awareness, Self-management and Relationship management.  We start by learning about empathy and the way it connects us all.  We all have emotions and can understand what mad, sad, glad, and afraid feel like.  When we use these words it helps us speak to our unassailable truth – the impact of words on us, and our emotions.  Sometimes we get caught up in explanations of WHY.  Why did we end up in this position?  Why do we think we are worried about it? Why, why, why?!  The explanation can dilute the feeling and the message.  It also is a way to avoid feeling the way we feel because we don’t want to feel afraid, or sad.  But in order to move past it, we must move through it and truly feel the emotions. 

We also teach about active listening – parroting, paraphrasing, and paraphrasing plus.  It helps you hear what someone is telling you, and help the person say things that are sometimes hard to say.  Listening and empathy are so important to helping a person feel heard and understood. 

Here is a great video from Brene Brown on empathy.

Later, the students share autobiographies with each other.  It’s a transformative experience that helps them see people as multi-dimensional rather than just “things in our way” or “a point of resistance”. It’s a great reminder that we all have a story, and we all have reasons for putting up our masks. 

Masks

 With the falling of the leaves, the masks of green are stripped off the hillsides

With the falling of the leaves, the masks of green are stripped off the hillsides, revealing the diversity and uniqueness of each ridge and valley, rock and stream, old shed or oil well hitherto unseen.  It is in the winter, when the hills bare their innermost selves, that we get to know them.  Then, in the spring, when the masks return, we can look at the hills as old friends few others understand.

So it is with  people.  Most of  the time we  wear our  masks.  But  during the difficult times, during  the  winters  of  our  lives, we shed  our  facades and reveal   all the  intricacies of the unique beings  we are.  It is in these moments that friendships are formed, and we experience one another as few others ever will.

John W. Walker

The rest of the class is mainly spent practicing these skills in what we call T-group. It gives people the opportunity to practice being present and transparent.  They get feedback on how they are showing up in a group, and get time to think about how they can be more intentional when entering a space. 

This passage from the Velveteen Rabbit sums up the experience and the work the best.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day . . “Does it happen all at once . . . or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse.  “You become.  It takes a long time.  That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.

Margery Williams

The Velveteen Rabbit

I love being in that space with the students and love getting the chance to be in the moment/present.  It is also exhausting!  Coming off from the weekend retreat I feel drained but I am so lucky to come home into the loving embrace of Ben & Anora.